Saturday, November 03, 2007

The Audacity

So, its been along time since my last update. There are a few reasons for that. One I got married, but thats not actually an update. I was married last time I wrote, so that doesn't count. I've become more busy. Not always productive, but always busy. Life is good. Its different that you always thought. You always think about the freedom, but sometimes I feel more constrained. There are always a lot of things pulling at you. Time slots fill up and time slots overlap. I feel bad sometimes for wanting me time. Youth Ministry is hard, but worthwhile. In short. I have been busy.

The second reason for few updates is because of that myspace, facebook stuff. Five or so years ago I had all these friends, from everywhere. People I had forgotten about, people I miss. I remember all those times that are so vivid, though they are normal. They were so intense because they were firsts. Remembering being on my own for the first time. Remembering growing up. The different influences on me, good and bad. Mistakes, victories, failures. Close friends. I remember my servant heart in it's youngest days. The stress, the peace, the chaos. They are good to remember, I wouldn't trade my life for them now. I've always been nostalgic. Ever since I was 7. I thought to myself I will never be as in my prime as I am now. That is still true. Its hard to express myself on all those places Facebook and Myspace and all that while keeping this up. And since no one cares about a lonely blog well, eh. Lets face it this isn't a social network. So it stretches your online time.

On the note of growing up and looking back. Its fun to look at all my friends from 5 years ago. Most of them are married. Some are dating that I would never have thought to hook up. Maybe this speaks to my ego, but its weird to see their lives continue without me being in them. I used to take up so much presence. I was entertaining, humorous, out going. Well at least how I remember me. I could totally be wrong. Its just like like I was gone and they grew up. Bam. Fast forward. Then I look back at who I was and who I have become. I've grown up too. Bam. Not overnight. It took so many influences. Good and bad to make me. Then my reaction to them, made all the difference.

Life 5 years ago was good, carefree. Now there are so many things to be done. I have to write this. This needs to be built. This person needs to be made happy. And if your wife is upset with you non of that matters. That usually happens when the load is the heaviest. I have a hard time formulating a plan, because of others. I've always been this way. I blame others for my lack of progress. Its not their fault. I have to take the burden. Bite on a bullet. Frankly I really don't care if the kids have a Christmas play. Why? Because it doesn't help anyone become a better Christian. Nay! It makes them amused. Its in my job description to do a Christmas play. What really needs to be done instead? Putting into teachers. Starting new classes. Reaching a 25 year age gap that has been ignored. Ignore a Christmas play? Heaven ashamed. Now I'm just ranting and totally of topic. Its not that the Christmas program is so bad. Its just that its so important.

I look back to 5 years ago. The me 5 years ago couldn't do what I'm doing today. I look back so fondly to those years, because of the people. My friends. They knew my secrets, and fears and joys, because we discovered them together. I left college, a warm Spirit filled place with all my friends, to come here: a vapid wasteland. I don't have any close friends here. Just Heather. I have to be explained all the inside jokes. See I'm on the outside. I know lots of people. I apparently know people I don't even remember meeting. There is no place for me at church. My closest friends are old enough to be my parents, or my kids. I even see the High Schoolers slipping away. One should be so much more, but his influence are dragging him down. He should be a light, but he's being dimmed in a fog of dust. I feel like no one cares. And anyone that cares either doesn't do anything about it or cares for meaningless things.

I don't mean to be so negative. I'm just bummed out. I need to get better at expressing my feelings. I may be having trouble with depression. I've always had an easy time getting close to people. There are just too many. Too much. Not enough. Inadequate.

So if I can leave you with summary: Life is good.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Welcome to the grown up world.
"Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it." You are in the job of training. You may not see your work here on earth, but you are laying a foundation.
School will also keep the kids busier than when you came in the summer.Just keep trying and they will realize you are genuine.
Are you taking your day off? Even God rested after 6 days of work.
Are you running anymore? Physical exercise is necessary for so many reasons.